Between a rock and a hard place

About two weeks ago, I lost someone very near and dear to my heart, left us, left this world, and went wherever you believe souls go. I’ve known him since I was 6 making our friendship just about 16 years long, the longest of my life. 

Its been a long time coming, and was no real ‘shock or surprise’ to those close to him. But it doesn’t, didn’t, won’t make it any easier to have him gone. Since the time he was 7 he had always beaten the odds the doctors would put before him, I guess I just figured he would just keep on beating them. But people get tired, life takes its toll on a soul, and eventually all good things come to an end. Just as Stevie did. 

To say that Stevie was a kind hearted person would be a drastic understatement, Steve was one of the best guys, nay, men I have ever met. He accepted that this was to be his future, a young passing, but at 27 was more worried about the grief it would cause those close to him, something I can’t fathom. The idea of dying, I’ll admit, makes my stomach knotty, but I’ve never stopped to think about how it would affect anyone around me if in 5 years at 27 I was to pass, as Steve did. 

I would love to say I’ve accepted his passing at the circle of life, or just the ending of a life. But I can’t tell you that internet. I am angry. 

I am angry, and pissed, and mad as hell. Horrible people get to live long, strong, lives to 70,80, 90. But this beautiful man doesn’t even make it to 30? How is that fair>??? And please don’t feed me the “Life isn’t fair” line, for I am well aware that life isn’t fair. But c’mon! Its times like these that make me question my faith in a higher power. What is he trying to tell us? Live your life well and do right by my and my people, and you too will be handsomely rewarded with an early death? 

I’m angry that people who turned their backs on him when he needed people around him most, talked badly of him, and called him incompetent because he no longer had the strength to do things, suddenly were his best friends, making phone calls, and sending out emails in his honor. Fuck you I say. Fuck you. Telling me at the funeral that I was a good friend to him. I don’t need your justification. 

I’m mad and hurt and sad. And in all of this I’m standing at a a funeral, watching my sister comfort others, being comforted by others, ignoring us and awkwardly hugging me as if I’m some stranger asking for too much on a first date. I’m watching people I spent every waking moment with in high school ignore me, because of some horrible atrocity I’ve supposedly commited against this sister. People that not two years ago, she sat crying in my arms because they had spread lies and rumors about her. Deserted her when her luck was gone and her heart was broken. 

And I sat there with my heart breaking in so many different ways, for the loss of a dear dear friend, the loss of love, the loss of a sister, the loss of honesty, and for the wonderment of it all. As to how we got here, how we get away from it, and the price of the gas to get there. So angry at myself for worrying so much about my feelings, and how these people were breaking my heart, when I should have been feeling for Steve, for his mother, his father, his two sisters. 

And then the fire alarm went off. And I looked to the sky and told Steve he was an ass, that he just had to have to last say. As if to say chin up Dani, life isn’t all that serious. 

Steven “Stevie G” Tooth

December 14, 1981-October 27, 2008

Life is too short, but it goes on.