Dear Miss M-
I’ve been trying to get these words out ever since….. Well ever since.
I believe life is much to short, to hold grudges, and fight over silly things. its healthy to let it all out rather than keep it all bottled inside, but its no less healthy to hold on to it. Things happen, people change, they hurt you, you hurt them, and then for the most part, it passes and you move on.
I’ve tried to stop caring that, you are so angry with me. I’ve tried, to understand exactly the moment at which my actions became offensive. But I can find neither the will to stop caring for you, and our past, or that moment that my life changed. Some time ago, I ‘talked’ to you, your words were spattered with anger, hurt, fear, uncertainty, and a slight cruelness I’ve never seen from you before. Your tongue held venom, that struck me like a sharp knife freshly plunged into the fire.
I cried. I sat in tears at the end of my bed. You had caused this onslaught of salty tears. You cause this event, that you had NEVER caused. This was an event that you had always tried to fix. I was at a loss, I couldn’t understand.
Thinking about it now, it makes me angry. Perhaps in the past I cared too much. You saw this as me trying to run your life. Which was/is never/not my intention. I thought I was helping to see the other side. You saw this as an attack on your individuality, you can believe me or not when I say that, I never meant to make you be anything else than what/who you are.
But I will NOT apologize for caring. I will NOT apologize for worrying.
I will however apologize for trying to fight my way back into your heart. This is something that I scold myself for when left to think about it. I’ve always wanted to be the pristine sisterly duo, of the after school TV movie. Not only sisters, but friends, Best Friends. Two women who offer, love, support, caring, advice, two people who fight and then get over it, clothes borrowers, and on, and on, and on. I wanted to be a big sister. And I know now that, its not what you want from me. You want a sister that sits on the sidelines and silently cheers you on, while silently saying ‘No, you’re only going to get hurt.’
So from now on I’ll sit. I will warm the bench, and keep my praise, and advice, and thoughts to myself.
But I need you to speak up, and get in the game with me. I need your praise, and chastising, your love, and your hate. I need someone who on the fourth down with 60yds to go is going to turn to me and say, “Lets run the f*cking ball, you can do it”.
What I’m saying is, you’re right, Life IS too short to be mean or hateful. And we should all kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly, and forgive quickly……
The lady D.